Vlog 1: Suicide Ideation


This video blog is about suicide ideation in general, and my battle with it specifically. As a person with BPD, I often have suicidal thoughts that can come at a moments’ notice. This vlog is both for people who are not familiar with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and those who are too familiar with them. I hope this video gives information, as well as hope, without any judgement.

The pictures in the slideshows are taken from the internet. The artists who made the Gyarados, Darth Vader, and Crimsen art are listed below:

Gyarados art: http://vadess40.deviantart.com/favourites/48404483/Pokemon
Darth Vader Art: http://vadess40.deviantart.com/favourites/44726734/Darth-Vader

Note Star Wars related material, and Pokémon related material all are property of Nintendo, Lucasfilm, Disney, EA and Bioware.

P. S. NO I don’t really sound like a robot. I just used a voice changer.

Welcome ChaoticGoth1431!

Well, it has happened- I have branched out into the dark corners of the internet to request more contributors. And chaoticgoth1431 answered the call! He has agreed to be my partner in crime in terms of writing some of the internet’s most outrageous things, and help me write a story! What about, you ask? Cannot say until  we get further into it.

Now I suppose I should tell you a little about chaoticgoth1431. Well, he lives all the way out in sunny California, while I live in cold Canada (yes, I’ve been green with envy since). Like me, he enjoys yaoi and talking about things mental health. He raises the flag for all LGBT people, including asexuals, and joins me in epic adventures in Star Wars: The Old Republic.

swtor 2016-05-19 03-04-36-52

Vadess40 and ChaoticGoth hanging out in SWTOR. Warning: We have a thing for pureblood men, and we will not apologise for it.

Continue reading

What I do when I don’t want to do anything

depression_08Part of having a condition like BPD is that you often have depressive episodes. Sometimes the episodes make me slow and sluggish, make me not want to get out of bed in the morning if at all, and other times it makes me very sad.

Today I’m going to talk about the second one. The second one is often a common symptom of depression: The person could just stay in bed until the sunsets and three moon rises without batting an eyelash.  Yet, doing just that can be the worst thing because it feeds into depression instead of rising above it.

What can be done? Some say fight it, others say give in, and I say compromise between the two.  Instead of fighting, or giving in, strike a balance between the two. Here are some ways I accomplish this:

1. Stay in bed AFTER I change the sheets and put on clean pyjamas.

If I really want to stay in bed all day, the least I can do for my body is ensure the bed is clean. So I get up and change the sheets. I put the old ones in the wash, put fresh ones on. I do the same to my pyjamas.

Then I can say i accomplished something today, even if it is simply I did some laundry. Continue reading

Borderline Personality

65eab6b941952e504ebc49e524eba421Borderline Personality Disorder. When I first read it a couple of years ago, I could not help but think, “How can personality be on a borderline?” This of course bred more questions: What borderline? Are they on the borderline of insanity? Is it on the border between bi-polar and another mental illness? Or is it one of those illnesses that has symptoms from all of them, but doesn’t fit just one?

It turns out, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is much more complex than that. In fact, it is one of those illnesses where psychiatrists give their patients an overview of the illness and the patient either decides it fits them or it does not. That is what happened to me in August 2015 and in January 2016. In August, a friend sent me a link to it and I said that describes me. When I was hospitalised in January, the psychiatrist gave me a similar document. Afterwards, my diagnosis was settled for the most part.

Why talk about this?

  1. Provide a source of knowledge on the disorder from someone who can balance the academic and personal experience of the illness.
  2. To share a little bit about myself
  3. Why the hell not?

So without further ado, let’s talk about BPD :). Continue reading

Post-Elbow Letter

Dear Opposition Members of Parliament:

As a person old enough to vote, I feel the need to compose this letter in the wake of the “Elbowgate Scandal”. In truth, I cannot believe I even need to compose this letter but if it means I see improvement on Monday from what happened on Friday then so be it. I hope you take into consideration the words of one of the people who votes here in Canada.

In case you got amnesia, I am talking about the way the opposition members conducted themselves on Thursday. Or was it Friday? I cannot really remember, that’s how unimportant this whol situation is and I wish the Members of Parliament, and the Members of the Media, would figure it out.

What happened apparently is the NDP members of the opposition were trying to block the Conservative Whip from getting to his seat so the vote could begin. This frustrated our Prime Minister, and I do not blame him for being frustrated as the House of Commons is a place of work not chit-chat, and left his seat to help get the Whip out of the crowd. In doing so in haste, he accidentally elbowed one of the NDP members.


What was clearly an accident was blown out of proportions: The NDP leader, who is on his way out as the NDP’s leader, verbally yelled at the Prime Minister like the PM was his employee, instead of the leader of Canada, and then the NDP who got elbowed joined in with another NDP to call the elbowing violence against women, and the no longer felt safe in the House of Commons.

I do not need to tell them what hypocrites they are for accusing an accident as violence against women after one of them exploded at the Prime Minister’s wife for asking for help in her newfound life as the wife of a leader of a country, which up until now she mostly had to do for free. I do not really need to tell you how embarassing the opposition members behaved, and how much credibility the NDP lost as a party as a result of this incident. Enough people online have said all of this.. No, my letter is a little bit simpler. On Monday, I humbly request the Members of Parliament do one thing and one thing only:

GET BACK TO WORK!!!!! Continue reading

First blog post

num1The first blog post- present from word press to encourage one to start writing. I’m leaving the title because I am going to talk about firsts.

Why talk about firsts? Well, why not? It’s a good way to break the ice.  So firsts… firsts, firsts…

Well, I know my first words were before I was two. The evidence is a home video of me talking quite fluently before my 2nd birthday. For the people who diagnosed me with Asperger’s, speaking early was one of the signs to clue that I did not have classic autism.

My first trip was days after I was born. I was moved from Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island (PEI) Canada to Barbados because my dad was teaching there at the university. I have pictures with evidence, but can’t remember a thing I did. Just my luck- First visit to one of the Caribbean Islands and I can’t remember a damn thing about it!

My first steps were before the year too. Guess I had my mom and dad to thank for that! My first day at school was when I was 5, as I was born in December. Then my first birthday party was going to one when I was that age too. Unfortunately, my first heart break was in grade 2 as all my grade 1 friends up and vanished. That was no fun.

First time I moved was in the summer between grades 1 and 2. My parents split up during that summer, so my siblings and I moved with my mom. After the end of grade 2 I began a few years firsts to new schools. Had to make new friends, meet new teachers, encounter new expectations. Firsts can be hard at times.

different1In grade 3 it was my first time beginning to realize that there is something different about me. I wasn’t making friends as fast as my sister was, and I could not comprehend some of the things I did were certainly odd. And even with visiting the guidance counselor at school, I still could not understand how to make friends. Continue reading