That statement has caused me pause more times than I care to admit. What is there to say about me? What is there to know about me? I am one more person on the internet writing another blog on the internet.
What do I want the internet to think I am? Who do I think I am? Good questions. Perhaps it is best to start with the basic facts that are relatively outside my control:
I am a person who lives in the Greater Toronto Area, Canada. I am a person who was born with two X chromosomes, yet has some typical-male hair growth because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Along with PCOS, I also have to live with mental disorders. No, I am not psychotic, nor criminally insane. In fact, I think I am too busy being alone to really ever become violent in any sense of the term.
Mentally, I am influenced by Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), which is a form of high functioning autism, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I could summarize my disorders in this way: I have a hard time understanding socializing during the odd time I decide to pull away from being a hermit to actually socialize. When I do make friends, I feel for them so strongly I become stuck between the rock and a hard place of “I HATE YOU… Please don’t leave me??!!”
Yet, I do not use Asperger’s and BPD to define me. Nope, I am not BPD nor autistic. I am a person who has BPD and autism. I know what you must be thinking- What do I use to define myself, then? I prefer to define myself as a Christian part African, part European female who is aromantic and asexual. I know, that is a lot to break down so I will strive to break them down!
Christian: My faith in Christ began since before I was born, as I do believe God elected my Catholic father and United Church mother to be my parents. My father mostly oversaw my religious upbringing, so God always had a place in my life. I became more committed to the Christian faith after my first dealings with depression in grade 8 year, which was when I was 12 going on 13, and Jesus Christ has been a part of my life every since.
I admit, I am not a perfect person, but I know that God doesn’t take the perfect persons but the persons with all their imperfections laid bare. Over my 10 years following the Lord, I have seen God work in my life in the small ways, such as helping me pick a good video game (yes God is part of my gaming hobby), to Him helping me wander aimlessly in the dark of depression, and un-diagnosed BPD. God is my Father, and He is essential to my life, without Him I would probably be dead from a successful suicidal attempt. I am alive physically and spiritually because of Him.
Part African, Part European: My mom is white, and my dad is black. In this regard, I am a person of mixed heritage genetically and culturally. I strive to maintain balance between both instead of choosing one over the other. I cannot understand myself and my heritage any other way than by understanding both. Be like trying to understand Harriet Tubman without looking at slavery, or understanding Darth Vader without getting to know Anakin Skywalker.
Aromantic Asexual: Please do not dismiss me as one of those narrow minded, fundamentalists like those in places like North Carolina. No one should be dismissed superficially without explaining themselves. I am not fundamentalist, nor am I conservative in many of my beliefs around things like feminism; gay, lesbian, and transgender rights; and other social issues. In fact, I believe God guided me out of the land of using the Bible to justify my own prejudices, to be welcoming of people in the queer community. Also helps that God created me to be part of the queer community: For instance, I have two X chromosomes yet I am far from a girly-girl. I’m a geeky girl who would rather wear pants and t-shirt over a dress and make up any day. I am aromantic and asexual: Asexual means I experience no sexual attraction to any person. Not male, female, cisgender, transgender, no gender… Nothing. Likewise, aromantic means I have no romantic attraction to anyone.
So yeah, I’m single. And no, I’m not looking. Sorry, people, but I’m not sorry. For me, I connect best with people in strong friendships. The kind of friendships where people drop everything to hang out with the friend in platonic ways… I’ll dive into aromantic asexuality more in the blog :D.
Even though I am aromantic and asexual, I am not sex repulsed completely. In fact, I rather enjoy reading about sex and experiencing sex as a witness, not participant. Hence why I RP as a gay character in Star Wars: The Old Republic, and I like reading/writing about gay romances. Thankfully there is a term for my branch of asexuality is called is autochorissexual. I can view and observe sex and romance, and enjoy it, but the moment I become an actual participant The moment it comes to me being the participant? I have vanished to the far reaches of space in a space craft powered only by me. Sorry still not sorry folks- I am still happily single.
What else is there to know about me? Well, I finished a Master’s Degree in theology! My courses up until now include biblical studies, theology, cross cultural studies, and postmodern studies. As you can see, I study a lot. If I am not listening to classical music, I’m listening to a good podcast about the mystery of the Trinity or why the church settled on those Gospels, letters, and Revelation for the New Testament Canon.
I love to read everything and anything related to theology, the Bible, sci-fi, fantasy, as well as fanfiction. I write a lot of fan-fiction as well as academic material, and I love to read and write poetry. Some of my favourite poetry includes Hamlet, and Macbeth by Shakespeare; the Walrus and the Carpenter; Isaiah 52:13-53:12, 9:1-7; Psalm 19, 22, 2, 110, 139, 88, and 73; Job 38-40; and many poems found on Deviant Art such as Abuse by BlazingWriter, The Island by MM Danielson, Breathing Death by Hinfallend, and Peggy’s Cove by Kublakhan27.
I also write a bit of prose. I will be posting my fanfiction on here as samples of my writing. Currently I am putting together a poetry anthology and a book that is a yaoi version of Cinderella. Yes, I am one of those females who likes romance between men. I am unashamed of it. I also am writing another fiction piece about mental illness. It is still in the beginning stages because I have only started the research for it, but it is there.
My #1 hobby is gaming! I’ve always been a gamer. My brother, Blade, got me a bit into games when he taught me how to play Super Mario World for the SNES. Then when I was 9, I got a Gameboy Colour with Pokemon Yellow as my first gaming system. Ever since then I have been a gamer.
Finally, in case my featured image didn’t give it away, I am a HUGE Star Wars fan: movies, books, video games… If it says Star Wars, I want it and I try to buy it.
Darth Vader is my favourite because he kicks ass, and he has BPD like me, though I doubt it was intentional on George Lucas’ part. No, people with BPD are not psychotic army leaders, but they do deal with things like extreme and uncontrollable emotions; having abandonment, idealization, and devaluation when dealing with people; and they have a tendency to be impulsive and reckless. Darth Vader just so happened to be impulsive and reckless with his Force powers.
And yes, my faction of choice is the Sith in any shape or form. Why, you ask? Are they not evil? Truth be told, they’re no more evil than the Republic. The difference is the Republic and the Jedi like covering up their evil deeds and/or justifying them. The Sith just do them. Furthermore, there is more freedom to be whatever, including good, among the Sith. Seriously, read the Star Wars lore. While the light and dark sides of the force have their differences, the Jedi and Sith really do the exact same stuff and just explain why differently. I will explore with articles the politics and philosophy of Star Wars in a blog post sometime.
Last minute details… I play Star Wars: The Old Republic predominantly, I am in an awesome LGBT friendly guild on Ebon Hawk server, I role play, I play Pokemon X/Y and OmegaRuby and AlphaSapphire on my Nintendo 3DS, and I like going to game conventions.
That is pretty much it. Hope you enjoy the blog and thanks for getting the time to get to know me!